As I sit and look out over the snow covered woods behind my house, I reflect on the minuscule moments that compounded into the drifts of days, weeks, and months that littered the landscape of my past year. It was a year of growth and discovery, of self-revelation and awkwardness, of adventure and routine, of familiarity and shiny newness. I have now lived 8,953 days, and the ones that occurred this year do not shame the majority. I have a fairly simple life and enjoy many freedoms. In just this year alone I got to watch 24 beautiful children grow and move on to 2nd grade and greeted a new batch of eager minds that now inhabit their part in my heart and mind and have brought much joy and laughter to my days. I tapped in to new parts of myself, new passions, and have had days where I seem to be viewing myself externally and in that perspective became aware of new flaws and shortcomings and as a result found new grace. I realized that sometimes forgiving yourself for not living up to your own potential is harder than forgiving others, but is equally as divine. I asked many questions and answered few and found beauty in the unknown of that. I practiced listening and being alone (which I still don’t like, but have begun to appreciate the value of). In general, I practiced being alive. There were glorious moments of breathing fresh air under open skies, my pulse beating the rhythm of existence in which I felt connected to everything around me as a created thing. It was those moments that reminded me that, although not every day can be as vibrant, everyday is a moment to live and breathe and be a created thing interacting with other created things.
Just like the snow is melting away in sun-exposed patches, I know there were moments on my landscape that felt bare. There were moments of laziness, anger, discontent, indecision, fear, vulnerability, and doubt. Moments that were hard to bear and moments that felt wasted. I spent many of my moments trying to decide between outfits to wear to work, which movie to watch on Netflix, and what to make for dinner. I spent far too many moments being stressed or complaining about one thing or another and an embarrassing number of moments on Facebook or Pinterest. I wish I’d spent more moments with people I care about and people I didn’t know. I wish I’d spent more moments doing things for others and doing things I haven’t tried yet. I wish I’d crossed more moments off my life list and spent more moments in foreign places. But considering these impossible revisions to my year does not inspire the sense of regret or disappointment I sometimes get this time of year. Instead, I consider it a challenge accepted for the new year. A challenge to think in moments instead of schedules and to be alive in a more vibrant way. And no, I’m not going to start on January 1st, 2013. I’m going to start right this moment. Don’t misunderstand me, as idealist as I am, I know life cannot just be a quick succession of bright, powerful moments. I know I cannot discount the quiet and still times or routine and responsibility. I will not hide from or wish away those moments, but instead choose to be all the more present in them, feeling them and gleaning the parts of God and creation that can only be revealed there.
I pray for you, my dear ones, that you will reflect on your moments in this season and be challenged for next year as well. I pray in gratitude for the moments you gave to me and how they have blessed and filled my life. I pray that I will share more moments with you in the coming year as well. It is a remarkable thing to be alive. I pray that God will make your living all the more remarkable in each and every moment.
Peace, love, and Merry Christmas!
~Kate
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