Of Love

Hey there! This is just something that's been swimming in my mind the last couple weeks. :) It's a little different than my usual posts, but as I've been watching some love stories unfold lately, I've been deeply inspired by the beauty of hearts coming together in the midst of this crazy, broken world. I've also been reminded of my Creator Love and how every amorous gaze and tender word are expressions of the Spirit and relationship that we are derived from. All the types of love that overtake us and animate our lives are reflections of the gorgeous Image we were created after. It has been something I have really been challenged by lately, to let Love be not just an action, an attitude, or an emotion, but an identity for me. Anyway, enjoy :)

Love

Steals suddenly upon me quite

Like dark steals upon us at time of night.

As a blushing sunrise like a timid smile spreads

On dewey grass and flowered beds.

A pet I know not how to keep;

A small hope born, now swallows me.

An infectious plight I can’t (won’t) repel;

Joy and pain in ambient swells.

Though unearthly, it seems tangible now

In soft caresses and spoken vows.

I want and fear it in equal measure,

Without it, Day's devoid of light and pleasure.

This crazy, unreasonable emotion

Wrecks my thoughts with static commotion,

But this buzz, this hum of heart strings strumming

Is just tremors of the flood that’s coming.

For love is an elephant if it is a fly

And cannot content itself to just steal by.

With the force of a soup-like foggy haze,

Love comes up softly, but stays with a blaze.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.....Why don't I look like everyone else?

    Although decidedly evil, I've always been able to identify a little bit with the wicked queen from Snow White because all she really wants is to be admired for her beauty. Well, and to kill her step daughter, but that's beside the point. The thing is that self-image, self-worth, and self-esteem are all things I've grappled with my whole life, and I am far from alone in that daily battle against myself. I can't pretend to be an expert on psychology or on the history of female body image, but I consider myself a variable pro at being over critical of myself. I was blessed to be born to parents who do not ascribe to gender stereotypes, and who never put any pressure on me to look a certain way. I was just as happy running around in the woods covered in mud as I was to don a princess dress and glitter dust. Despite that, I developed an extremely unhealthy self-image.
     I don't remember the first time I looked at myself and wanted to change the way I looked, but I remember realizing that my stomach stuck out further than my best friend's when I was in first grade so it must have been sometime around that. However, although I now recognize that as the poison that thenceforth began to pervade my self-image, I don't remember being entirely perturbed by it at the time. Somewhere between then and when I was 11 that seed grew into an active desire to change. I remember flipping through catalogs of clothes and thinking that I would get my mom to buy me a certain outfit and then, after I worked out a whole bunch and dieted, I would be able to look good in it. Now, I know rather than clearly remember certain comments throughout that time period that certainly attributed to that view of myself, but none were more potent than the ones made by myself. For every comment or subliminal media message, there were 10 more emanating from some hidden source inside me telling me that I wasn't pretty enough, that I needed to change, and that unless I changed, no one would ever love me. I read an article in relation to this topic about a mom who read her six year old daughter's journal expecting to find fluffy tales of unicorns and fairies, but instead found pages and pages of things along the lines of "I am a stupid, ugly little girl." When confronted about it her daughter listed in a matter-of-fact manner all the things that she needed to change about herself from her legs, which were too short, to her nose, which was too small. I've witnessed much the same thing in my own first grade students at times. They will make simple, off-handed comments about how they are fat or not as pretty as such-and-such. It breaks my heart to see the next generation of females already entering the battle of self-image and self-worth. I can't stand to think of those sweet, innocent children being awakened to that derision and self-loathing so early. I desperately search for the root of this poison but feel at a loss to point the finger at just one source. Media certainly plays a big part in brewing discontent within one's self as we are constantly berated with images of women who are "perfect" in their size 0, unblemished, air-brushed sort of way. But certainly we women also play a part in it as well. Even those of us who aren't mothers often act as role-models and heros to the young girls around us, and what is it that they are seeing in us? Are they watching us pinch our flab in the mirror and critique the degree of "fat" our clothes emphasize? Are they watching us choose unhealthy eating habits and excessive exercise regimes that are rooted in shame and punishment? Are they hearing our conversations with ourselves listing the thousands of things we want to change about ourselves? I guarantee they are not as blind to it as we wish they were. Also, what kind of feedback are we giving to them? I overheard someone say to a little girl who was about 4 and was feeling very sad about something that she had such a pretty dress and looked so cute that she shouldn't feel sad. My first thought was, "Wait! She should feel happy because she has things in her life to feel happy about, not because she looks pretty on the outside!" But, I realized that even to this day I often use new clothes, haircuts, and shoes to make myself feel better. I believe that the culturally accepted term for that is "retail therapy." The underlying theme being, of course, that if I find the right shirt to hide my chub, the right shoes to make me just a couple inches taller, and the right hairstyle to distract people from looking at my face that the world will be better for a couple of hours. Why? Because I'll be taking a few short steps towards the ideal image of "beauty."
     This detrimental way of thinking destroys some of life's naturally most beautiful things. For instance, I think pregnancy is one of the most beautiful things a woman can go through because all the changes to her exterior are a result of the new life that is growing inside her and yet so many pregnant women that I've talked to lament about their "fat ankles" or how unattractive they are. That seems absurd to me, and I feel that they are being robbed of the joy of that experience because they can't see past that reflection in the mirror. Now, I am far from out of the trenches of this battle. There are countless mornings of groaning as I toss ensemble after ensemble to the floor in frustration and resentment, but I can't bear the thought of passing this infection of self-hate and unhappiness to another generation so there must be a way to begin a change. I was made in the image of a Creator who doesn't care what size pants I wear or if my complexion is unblemished. I was made to love; to love my God and to love others as myself. If I don't love myself, that doesn't set the bar very high for others does it? This summer a woman told me that when she meets people who are different from her or difficult to love, she looks for the little bit of God in them and chooses to love that. I think that is where we need to start with ourselves- men and women both! I can't speak to the struggles of men and self-image, but I think that it would be beneficial to both sexes to look at themselves in a new way. Hate in any form separates us from our Creator because our Creator IS love. I choose to believe that I can change this culture in my own life and in my surrounding spheres. I choose to believe that as a generation, we can re-write our self-dialogue and the self-dialogues of those who will follow us and begin to worship the Creator in us instead of detesting the encapsulation of that Spirit.
You are beautiful, and you are loved.
Grace and Peace my friends!
~Kate