A Fearful Tale

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face..." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear...timidity....apprehension...anxiety...unease...trepidation...

I metaphorically walked by a mirror this week and caught sight of myself and realized something kind of scary. I have been living consumed by fear lately! I normally don't consider myself to be a fearful person minus the ever present arachnophobia and ophidiophobia (fear of snakes), but as I reflected on my actions and feelings not only here in Denver but in the past couple of years I realized how fear-driven I've been. I've been afraid of failing or disappointing people. I've been afraid of being along or unaccepted by people. I've been afraid of letting change happen and afraid that it won't. As I thought about it, I realized how many things I haven't done because of fear, how many chances I didn't take. It's the first time I've ever looked back and actually had regrets about something. Mostly I realized that by letting fear drive me, I'm not living into the person God has created me to be. I am one of His chosen people and have the authority of His power and grace. There are a myriad of verses that address fear, but I found the most comfort and challenge in Romans 8:15 where it says, "So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”  I have been in the company of some very bold people, and I so admire the way their assurance is not found in the situation but in a God who is over every situation. My prayer this week is that God will give me boldness and that I will live in courage and strength instead of timidity and fear. 

That's all for now dear ones! God's Peace to you all!

~Kate

Game Changer

Hello again!

     It's time for an update! I am officially in my Denver CW house and ready for the summer. Last night as I sat out on the front porch in the cool night air, I looked around the neighborhood and looked at the city skyline a few blocks away and thought to myself how incredible my God is with the way He is orchestrating everything all the time. There are just some things in your life that you cannot deny must be part of God's plan because they just fit so perfectly, and that is where I am.
     While I was preparing to come, I was nervous and anxious about giving up some of the selfish conveniences I'm used to like running to the store to buy whatever it is I'm impulsively desiring at the moment or doing whatever I feel like doing whenever I feel like doing it. But now that I'm here, and I've met everyone, I'm just excited to be part of this community/family. I've started looking at life and the world in a little different way. I feel almost like a spectator looking at my habits and ways of life from the outside and realizing that so much of what I do and what I strive for is all part of a societal game. My perception of the goal of this game is that I should have a job, make money, spend money on lots of things like new clothes, newer technology, etc. all for the pleasure and success of myself. In order to achieve that I have had to harden my heart to the needs of others and be selectively blind to the brokenness of people so I can focus on my own game. I can't deny that even now part of me still desires those things, but they seem less shiny and more empty from out here.  In Ezekiel 11, God is going to bring His people back from exile and this is what He tells them, "An I will give them singleness of heart and put a new spirit within them. I will take away their stony, stubborn heart and give them a tender, responsive heart." I feel the need to get out of this game of self-seeking, not because I think those things are wrong or evil, but because I can't run the race God has asked me to run for Him while I'm carrying all that stuff. I'm still figuring out what this looks like and how the idea will manifest in my life, but I'm excited for the uncomfortable shift.
    God's peace and love to you!

The Nehemiah Effect

Hello World!

     I have finally caved and joined the blogging masses. I don't really think that I have anything incredible to say, but I do believe that I have an incredible God who is doing things in my life that are worth sharing so here I am. Last summer, I sat on my balcony in the sun and wrote in a journal, praying that God would use the summer time to draw me close to Him and reveal something about Himself to me. I told Him I would spend lots of time with Him (which I didn't) and be an active listener (which I wasn't) and put Him first (which must have been code for top of the list after getting a tan and sleeping). Suffice it to say- I failed Him. But God did not fail me. I did not live up to half of what I told Him I'd do and God in His merciful, loving grace STILL chose to draw closer to me and reveal things about Himself to me.
     That's where this walk began. Last July was the first time I interacted with a community that is part of the Catholic Worker movement. The short, insignificant interaction I had with the people in the community was the catalyst for a major perspective shift. Throughout the year, I have been exploring and seeking what it means to be part of a community and how to be more self-sacrificing. I look at my life and I see an overwhelming abundance and simultaneously an outrageous greed. I have always thought of myself as a caring person who has a good heart. But lately I have gotten to know my heart, and there is nothing good about it. My heart lusts after so many selfish things whether it is new clothes, more money, professional success, a better car, or a shiny new MacBook. None of these things are bad necessarily, just totally and completely selfish. I have clothes (more than I need), a secure income, a great job, a car that runs (most of the time) and a computer that has all the essentials. I should be happy right? But no, I get caught up in the endless pursuit of more, more, more.
     Then, I read Nehemiah. There is something in his story that has arrested my heart right now. I have read and re-read it in the last few weeks and still am struck with a new piece every time. First, it was the way he dropped everything in his life to do the work God set before him, to build his wall. Then, it was his persistence in his mission and the way that he offered up every obstacle to God and then got back to work. Lately, it has been his sacrifice. While building the wall and re-establishing the city, Nehemiah didn't take anything for himself but offered up his own provisions for the oppressed and marginalized people in his community. I'm still in the assembly stages of what this means for my life, but the challenge is clear, and I have accepted.
     Thus I am starting this blog, trusting God to give you some kind of story that will be worth reading. I am headed to Denver this summer to be part of a Catholic Worker community there, and can't wait to see how God is going to use that setting in whatever He is up to. Please be praying over me that I will have the heart of Nehemiah as I walk into this next adventure.
Grace and Peace to you all!
~Kate