Front Porch Thoughts from the Back of My Mind

     I can't believe it's been half a year since I posted anything.
Scratch that, this is me we're talking about so I'm not really that surprised at all.
I've been thinking and writing still but haven't felt like my thoughts reached a blog-worthy level of completeness. And also I'm lazy :)

     I'm back in Denver (at last!) and had the chance for the first time since I've been back to sit on the front porch and soak in the city again. As captivated as I am by the city lights and mountains on the horizon, my attention was drawn to a man across the street who was taking shelter under the library awning during a brief (and much needed) downpour. I can't claim to be super involved in the homeless outreach here or in KC for that matter. I can't boast of my knowledge of laws or actions to change them. I can only share the musings of my disturbed spirit and hope that maybe by planting it in words it will begin to grow in my life as something more. I hope that as you read this it will not feel "judgy" or self-righteous because it is honestly directed at myself more than any other. I also cannot pretend to know or comprehend what it is really like to live on the street, so forgive my conjectures. Here it is.

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Move Along

A broken man rests but his broken spirit can’t.

Another sleepless night under the flag of the state that has failed him.

He can’t claim even the unyielding  bars of the iron bench as home

“Move Along.” Yes, Sir. but move along to...?

Where can he go to find rest?

Where can he hide to find peace?

Where can he sleep to dream of a better life than this?

He struggles to remember what it was like to have a dresser to keep his clothes in

Instead of a worn out drawstring trash bag.

He grasps at the lingering recollection of belonging,

Of knowing where to land when his day was done.

He belongs with the displaced now. 

The ones who don’t fit into the mold of consumerism and “productivity.”

The ones judged from the comfort of heated leather seats.

It’s his fault right?

He messed up. He made mistakes. He has earned this for himself.

These are but words on the page of the stories we write to write off our guilt and awkwardness.

The system is failing because we fail to be the system of change.

We’d rather get the dirt on Kim Kardashian than get dirty helping the untouchables.

We’d rather plug in to our iPhones than help a broken brother or sister get plugged in to a community where their needs will be met. 

I wish that Policeman across the street would direct his advice to the ones who really need to hear it. 

I wish he would knock on our doors and as we arouse ourselves from our abundance remind us,

 It’s time for us to move.

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     I am so blessed to be in the company of so many hearts that have been called to action and thank all of those in my sphere who are moving to make change and be Christ's love to the unwanted. You are incredible.

Peace and love to you all!

~Kate

Christmas Rambles

     As I sit and look out over the snow covered woods behind my house, I reflect on the minuscule moments that compounded into the drifts of days, weeks, and months that littered the landscape of my past year. It was a year of growth and discovery, of self-revelation and awkwardness, of adventure and routine, of familiarity and shiny newness. I have now lived 8,953 days, and the ones that occurred this year do not shame the majority. I have a fairly simple life and enjoy many freedoms. In just this year alone I got to watch 24 beautiful children grow and move on to 2nd grade and greeted a new batch of eager minds that now inhabit their part in my heart and mind and have brought much joy and laughter to my days. I tapped in to new parts of myself, new passions, and have had days where I seem to be viewing myself externally and in that perspective became aware of new flaws and shortcomings and as a result found new grace. I realized that sometimes forgiving yourself for not living up to your own potential is harder than forgiving others, but is equally as divine. I asked many questions and answered few and found beauty in the unknown of that. I practiced listening and being alone (which I still don’t like, but have begun to appreciate the value of). In general, I practiced being alive. There were glorious moments of breathing fresh air under open skies, my pulse beating the rhythm of existence in which I felt connected to everything around me as a created thing. It was those moments that reminded me that, although not every day can be as vibrant, everyday is a moment to live and breathe and be a created thing interacting with other created things. 

     Just like the snow is melting away in sun-exposed patches, I know there were moments on my landscape that felt bare. There were moments of laziness, anger, discontent, indecision, fear, vulnerability, and doubt. Moments that were hard to bear and moments that felt wasted. I spent many of my moments trying to decide between outfits to wear to work, which movie to watch on Netflix, and what to make for dinner. I spent far too many moments being stressed or complaining about one thing or another and an embarrassing number of moments on Facebook or Pinterest. I wish I’d spent more moments with people I care about and people I didn’t know. I wish I’d spent more moments doing things for others and doing things I haven’t tried yet. I wish I’d crossed more moments off my life list and spent more moments in foreign places. But considering these impossible revisions to my year does not inspire the sense of regret or disappointment I sometimes get this time of year. Instead, I consider it a challenge accepted for the new year. A challenge to think in moments instead of schedules and to be alive in a more vibrant way. And no, I’m not going to start on January 1st, 2013. I’m going to start right this moment. Don’t misunderstand me, as idealist as I am, I know life cannot just be a quick succession of bright, powerful moments. I know I cannot discount the quiet and still times or routine and responsibility. I will not hide from or wish away those moments, but instead choose to be all the more present in them, feeling them and gleaning the parts of God and creation that can only be revealed there. 

      I pray for you, my dear ones, that you will reflect on your moments in this season and be challenged for next year as well. I pray in gratitude for the moments you gave to me and how they have blessed and filled my life. I pray that I will share more moments with you in the coming year as well. It is a remarkable thing to be alive. I pray that God will make your living all the more remarkable in each and every moment.

Peace, love, and Merry Christmas!

~Kate

Beautiful Things and an Update

It seems impossible that we should have arrived at this latter part of the year already, but here we are. Time has been going so quickly and has been so full of planning and preparation for a great many things. It is nice after this holiday of thankfulness to be able to pause and collect myself. In the repose that accompanies this holiday break, this was kind of floating around in my subconscious.

Oh the beauty of the world!

Of stars hung high 

And leaves wind swirled

Of gardens wild

And birds on wing

And these are just

 the ordinary things.

Best friends walking

Arms entwined

A gentleman getting the door

For his age worn wife.

A child’s smile

And eyes alight

A mother’s voice

In soft lullabies

A friend who in comfort

Cries along,

When life seems bad

And things gone wrong.

A family around

 the table gather,

To share food and

Memories and laughter.

A customer who lets another

Precede in line.

Warm hands holding 

As christmas lights first shine.

Beauty is moments shared

And joy that’s spread.

It’s life awakening us

From our hollow dead.

It’s reaching out 

And holding close.

It’s trust and faith

And what the heart knows.

We are the beauty of God’s earth

Our choice? to fill with joy or mirth

How we act, and speak and live

To the broken world its beauty gives.

In other news, I avoided the popular Facebook trend of each day of thankfulness in favor of just making a list of things that I am thankful for. The poem above actually includes many of the things that struck me, but there were so many more that my heart was almost too full to share. As I reflect on the blessings that are in my life, I try to not let anything be too small and yet I know that on a daily basis, I am not grateful for even half of what I should be. I find though, that life always seems to find a way to help you appreciate it at some point. Some things that I have come to appreciate this year in a new way are the different smiles of my kiddos. There are the "You are such a goof!" smiles, the "It finally makes sense!" smiles, the surprised smiles, the friendship smiles, the laughing smiles, and the good morning smiles. Each one finds a way to warm my heart and make each challenge or stress about work seem insignificant. I'm thankful for my amazing coworkers who show me everyday what it means to be selfless and dedicated to kids. We laugh together, we make it through rough days together, we celebrate successes together, and we make our school into a warm, loving place together. I have the utmost respect for each of them and feel so incredibly blessed that these are the people God gave me to inspire and encourage me as grow as an educator. I am thankful for my parents who have modeled the same selflessness my whole life. It's sneaky selflessness and they wouldn't even realize some of the ways that they were selfless. For instance, they were selfless in that they never made me be someone that I wasn't. They never pressured me to believe as they do or to fit into any gender stereotypes or to fit into a societally appropriate mold. They gave me the skills and qualities to care about people, work hard, and succeed as myself. I am also thankful that we can now sit and have invigorating conversations that last for hours. I am thankful for my siblings who are now and have always been partners in crime and in everything else. My parents always told us that friends would come and go but our siblings would always be there and would have to love us and that has proven itself true time and time again. I'm thankful for each of my friends, close or far, old or new because each one is a bright light in the canvas of my life and the warmth they shine in my life never lets the dark times overwhelm me. I feel so blessed to have so many people that I connect with and who challenge me to be a better person. I am thankful for memories I got to make this year and for all the ways God provided for me this year. I am thankful for my faith communities and the way they have cultivated my growth in Christ this year. I am thankful for modern technology and the way that it simplifies many aspects of my life. I am thankful for the low points of my year that broke me a little bit and out of those fractures, the wisdom that came. I am thankful for each victory in myself over fears, doubts, insecurities, and goals. 

Overall, I am just so thankful to be alive and to be living this life, however imperfect it may be at times, it is the one God gave me and it is the one I will keep finding beauty in. Thank you each for your part in making it beautiful. 

Love to you all,

Kate

Of Love

Hey there! This is just something that's been swimming in my mind the last couple weeks. :) It's a little different than my usual posts, but as I've been watching some love stories unfold lately, I've been deeply inspired by the beauty of hearts coming together in the midst of this crazy, broken world. I've also been reminded of my Creator Love and how every amorous gaze and tender word are expressions of the Spirit and relationship that we are derived from. All the types of love that overtake us and animate our lives are reflections of the gorgeous Image we were created after. It has been something I have really been challenged by lately, to let Love be not just an action, an attitude, or an emotion, but an identity for me. Anyway, enjoy :)

Love

Steals suddenly upon me quite

Like dark steals upon us at time of night.

As a blushing sunrise like a timid smile spreads

On dewey grass and flowered beds.

A pet I know not how to keep;

A small hope born, now swallows me.

An infectious plight I can’t (won’t) repel;

Joy and pain in ambient swells.

Though unearthly, it seems tangible now

In soft caresses and spoken vows.

I want and fear it in equal measure,

Without it, Day's devoid of light and pleasure.

This crazy, unreasonable emotion

Wrecks my thoughts with static commotion,

But this buzz, this hum of heart strings strumming

Is just tremors of the flood that’s coming.

For love is an elephant if it is a fly

And cannot content itself to just steal by.

With the force of a soup-like foggy haze,

Love comes up softly, but stays with a blaze.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall.....Why don't I look like everyone else?

    Although decidedly evil, I've always been able to identify a little bit with the wicked queen from Snow White because all she really wants is to be admired for her beauty. Well, and to kill her step daughter, but that's beside the point. The thing is that self-image, self-worth, and self-esteem are all things I've grappled with my whole life, and I am far from alone in that daily battle against myself. I can't pretend to be an expert on psychology or on the history of female body image, but I consider myself a variable pro at being over critical of myself. I was blessed to be born to parents who do not ascribe to gender stereotypes, and who never put any pressure on me to look a certain way. I was just as happy running around in the woods covered in mud as I was to don a princess dress and glitter dust. Despite that, I developed an extremely unhealthy self-image.
     I don't remember the first time I looked at myself and wanted to change the way I looked, but I remember realizing that my stomach stuck out further than my best friend's when I was in first grade so it must have been sometime around that. However, although I now recognize that as the poison that thenceforth began to pervade my self-image, I don't remember being entirely perturbed by it at the time. Somewhere between then and when I was 11 that seed grew into an active desire to change. I remember flipping through catalogs of clothes and thinking that I would get my mom to buy me a certain outfit and then, after I worked out a whole bunch and dieted, I would be able to look good in it. Now, I know rather than clearly remember certain comments throughout that time period that certainly attributed to that view of myself, but none were more potent than the ones made by myself. For every comment or subliminal media message, there were 10 more emanating from some hidden source inside me telling me that I wasn't pretty enough, that I needed to change, and that unless I changed, no one would ever love me. I read an article in relation to this topic about a mom who read her six year old daughter's journal expecting to find fluffy tales of unicorns and fairies, but instead found pages and pages of things along the lines of "I am a stupid, ugly little girl." When confronted about it her daughter listed in a matter-of-fact manner all the things that she needed to change about herself from her legs, which were too short, to her nose, which was too small. I've witnessed much the same thing in my own first grade students at times. They will make simple, off-handed comments about how they are fat or not as pretty as such-and-such. It breaks my heart to see the next generation of females already entering the battle of self-image and self-worth. I can't stand to think of those sweet, innocent children being awakened to that derision and self-loathing so early. I desperately search for the root of this poison but feel at a loss to point the finger at just one source. Media certainly plays a big part in brewing discontent within one's self as we are constantly berated with images of women who are "perfect" in their size 0, unblemished, air-brushed sort of way. But certainly we women also play a part in it as well. Even those of us who aren't mothers often act as role-models and heros to the young girls around us, and what is it that they are seeing in us? Are they watching us pinch our flab in the mirror and critique the degree of "fat" our clothes emphasize? Are they watching us choose unhealthy eating habits and excessive exercise regimes that are rooted in shame and punishment? Are they hearing our conversations with ourselves listing the thousands of things we want to change about ourselves? I guarantee they are not as blind to it as we wish they were. Also, what kind of feedback are we giving to them? I overheard someone say to a little girl who was about 4 and was feeling very sad about something that she had such a pretty dress and looked so cute that she shouldn't feel sad. My first thought was, "Wait! She should feel happy because she has things in her life to feel happy about, not because she looks pretty on the outside!" But, I realized that even to this day I often use new clothes, haircuts, and shoes to make myself feel better. I believe that the culturally accepted term for that is "retail therapy." The underlying theme being, of course, that if I find the right shirt to hide my chub, the right shoes to make me just a couple inches taller, and the right hairstyle to distract people from looking at my face that the world will be better for a couple of hours. Why? Because I'll be taking a few short steps towards the ideal image of "beauty."
     This detrimental way of thinking destroys some of life's naturally most beautiful things. For instance, I think pregnancy is one of the most beautiful things a woman can go through because all the changes to her exterior are a result of the new life that is growing inside her and yet so many pregnant women that I've talked to lament about their "fat ankles" or how unattractive they are. That seems absurd to me, and I feel that they are being robbed of the joy of that experience because they can't see past that reflection in the mirror. Now, I am far from out of the trenches of this battle. There are countless mornings of groaning as I toss ensemble after ensemble to the floor in frustration and resentment, but I can't bear the thought of passing this infection of self-hate and unhappiness to another generation so there must be a way to begin a change. I was made in the image of a Creator who doesn't care what size pants I wear or if my complexion is unblemished. I was made to love; to love my God and to love others as myself. If I don't love myself, that doesn't set the bar very high for others does it? This summer a woman told me that when she meets people who are different from her or difficult to love, she looks for the little bit of God in them and chooses to love that. I think that is where we need to start with ourselves- men and women both! I can't speak to the struggles of men and self-image, but I think that it would be beneficial to both sexes to look at themselves in a new way. Hate in any form separates us from our Creator because our Creator IS love. I choose to believe that I can change this culture in my own life and in my surrounding spheres. I choose to believe that as a generation, we can re-write our self-dialogue and the self-dialogues of those who will follow us and begin to worship the Creator in us instead of detesting the encapsulation of that Spirit.
You are beautiful, and you are loved.
Grace and Peace my friends!
~Kate

Justice and Peace

Justice and Peace- each an end and mean in itself. What do those terms mean in our world today? As I look around, I see very little of either. Thomas Aquinas said, "Peace is the work of justice indirectly, in so far as justice removes the obstacles to peace; but it is the work of charity (love) directly, since charity, according to its very notion, causes peace."

      Just like the Israelites are accused in Isaiah 58 of exploiting the poor and ignoring the hungry and deprived, our generation is so consumed with self gain and distracted by "making the most of life" that people in need are far too often marginalized and ignored. Yes, even those of us who choose to bear the name of Christ are guilty. I have driven by many an earthly brother or sister with a card board sign and looked away on my way to more entertaining ventures. I have spent many of my paychecks investing in my own happiness and comfort without sparing any to the needs of those who don't have a change of clothes or a bed at night. Martin Luther King, Jr. said, "Without justice, there can be no peace. He who passively accepts evil is as much part of it as he who helps to perpetrate it." I may not be the one passing unjust laws or fighting an unjust war, but my chosen ignorance and silence makes me party to it. I look at all of the things going on in the world and all of the hurt that is being acted out daily, and I feel heartsick and overwhelmed. How can I make a difference? What can I possibly do to counteract all of the injustice in the world? 

     I will make a confession to you now. I started writing this about 2 weeks ago and felt so befuddled by the aforementioned questions that I chose to take a couple of weeks to really think about it and pray over it. I don't want to sound like a pretentious preacher telling you that I've figured it all out and am ready to save the world. However, I do want to share a challenge with you. In my thinking/praying/seeking/reading these past 2 weeks, a recurring theme has emerged. Peace through relationships and community. This idea first came out of a reading of Luke 10 that has actually been shared with me on numerous occasions to the point that I recognized it must mean something, but had yet to understand its application to my life. Jesus sends out 72 followers ahead of him to spread the news about him. He sends them in pairs (in relationship) and instructs them to share their peace upon entering a household. They are told that their peace will sometimes be received and sometimes will return back to them, but their response is to be the same. Their calling in Christ is just to share their peace in community. He also tells them to not move from house to house which I interpret as building a relationship with the person who is offering them hospitality. The instruction is to stay and be in community with the people of the house. Dietrich Bonhoeffer says in his work The Cost of Discipleship, "The followers of Christ have been called to peace. . . . And they must not only have peace but make it. And to that end they renounce all violence and tumult. In the cause of Christ nothing is to be gained by such methods . . . . His disciples keep the peace by choosing to endure suffering themselves rather than inflict it on others. They maintain fellowship where others would break it off. They renounce hatred and wrong. In so doing they overcome evil with good, and establish the peace of God in the midst of a world of war and hate." Once again the idea of fellowship emerges. By choosing to not be part of injustice and to overcome evil with good we become peace makers.  Naim Ateek, author of A Palestinian Christian Cry for Reconciliation, says of the conflict between Israel and Palestine, “The reality of the Israel-Palestine conflict is an injustice that reflects our broken and selfish humanity; it is a reality that has expressed itself historically in the failure of Jews and Palestinians to love each other. This failure has given birth to the conflict and is the source of its continuation.” I feel that the best way to address injustice is to be in relationship with one another in love and together give voice to the suffering we see. 

      This is a fluffy way of saying that peace and justice can start with us and can take root in the world through our communities if our collective is willing to acknowledge the suffering and marginalization of people and do something about it. I will leave it to God to compel and direct the actions of his people, but my challenge to you is to actively start loving the people around you and start talking about the broken society around us. Dietrich Bonhoeffer also said, “For peace must be dared, it is itself the great venture and can never be safe.  Peace is the opposite of security.  To demand guarantees is to want to protect oneself.  Peace means giving oneself completely to God's commandment, wanting no security, but in faith and obedience laying the destiny of the nations in the hand of Almighty God, not trying to direct it for selfish purposes.” Dare to be peace makers in a world driven by war! Dare to be uncomfortable in a world that breeds injustice and corruption! Dare to have a voice in a world that would rather you sit down and shut up! Dare to be part relational in a world consumed by individuality and selfishness! However God speaks to your heart on this, just take the dare. It is time that we as a people stop perpetrating evil through passivity and start being Christ’s light through love and peace! 

Ok. There is my rant for the week. :) 

Peace and love to you all!

~Kate

"God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God." ~Matthew 5:9

A Fearful Tale

"We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face..." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear...timidity....apprehension...anxiety...unease...trepidation...

I metaphorically walked by a mirror this week and caught sight of myself and realized something kind of scary. I have been living consumed by fear lately! I normally don't consider myself to be a fearful person minus the ever present arachnophobia and ophidiophobia (fear of snakes), but as I reflected on my actions and feelings not only here in Denver but in the past couple of years I realized how fear-driven I've been. I've been afraid of failing or disappointing people. I've been afraid of being along or unaccepted by people. I've been afraid of letting change happen and afraid that it won't. As I thought about it, I realized how many things I haven't done because of fear, how many chances I didn't take. It's the first time I've ever looked back and actually had regrets about something. Mostly I realized that by letting fear drive me, I'm not living into the person God has created me to be. I am one of His chosen people and have the authority of His power and grace. There are a myriad of verses that address fear, but I found the most comfort and challenge in Romans 8:15 where it says, "So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”  I have been in the company of some very bold people, and I so admire the way their assurance is not found in the situation but in a God who is over every situation. My prayer this week is that God will give me boldness and that I will live in courage and strength instead of timidity and fear. 

That's all for now dear ones! God's Peace to you all!

~Kate